Top psychologist: Self-care doesn’t just mean treating yourself to a bubble bath

What does “self-care” actually mean?

Many people don’t have a good image of self-care. This is due to a very basic misunderstanding about the topic! Many people think of it as something nice that you treat yourself to, as a kind of unnecessary luxury like a bubble bath. Especially in societies that value achievement and willingness to make sacrifices, self-care is sometimes seen as selfish.

Another misconception is that self-care is a kind of reward that is only earned after an achievement or success. In fact, it is a prerequisite for our psychological and emotional well-being. We should treat ourselves with compassion and respect. We should recognize and accept our own needs, feelings and limits instead of simply ignoring them. Many of us are over-adapted and would rather grit our teeth than change our system.

Stefanie Stahl is a psychologist and expert in the field of attachment psychology. She runs a psychotherapy practice in Trier. She is best known for her bestseller “The child in you must find a home”. You can find the expert on Instagram under stefaniestahl, here is the link to her homepage.

Where does this lack of self-care and our “grit your teeth” mentality come from?

Discipline generally helps to structure everyday life. But there is also the possibility of being too harsh with oneself. There are various reasons for this: in many societies, perseverance is seen as a virtue and is associated with success and prestige. This leads to us tending to ignore our own needs and limits in order to live up to expectations.

This mentality can also result from personal experiences. People who grew up in difficult circumstances or experienced traumatic events often develop a type of survival mechanism that involves “gritting their teeth.” They have internalized suppressing their emotions and needs in order to cope with the challenges they have experienced.

Our upbringing and the values ​​we received from our parents also play a role. If we were constantly told as children to suppress our emotions or work hard to succeed, then as adults we often don’t feel what we need.

What effects can a lack of self-care have?

If you constantly ignore your own limits, you expose yourself to chronic stress, which in the long term increases the risk of mental and physical health problems. These include anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, cardiovascular disease and also a weakened immune system.

In addition, a lack of self-care can have a serious impact on our interpersonal relationships. We may think that we are doing others a favor by over-exerting ourselves! But if you treat yourself badly, it is more difficult to treat others with compassion and respect. We also constantly – and rightly! – feel that our joy in life is lacking. Of course, this state is stressful and makes you bad-tempered. This often leads to you reacting to others much more quickly in this tense everyday mode. In the worst case, you begrudge others their joy in life.

How can people even recognize that they may need more self-care? What are the signs?

There are various signs on both an emotional and physical level.

Emotional signs could include constant feelings of being overwhelmed, irritability, depression, or anxiety. People who have a self-care gap often feel exhausted without an obvious reason. They have difficulty relaxing or resting, even when they are tired.

On a physical level, fatigue, sleep disorders, headaches, muscle tension or even gastrointestinal problems can be signs of a lack of self-care. Chronic stress weakens the immune system and can lead to frequent colds and infections. It is important to pay attention to these signs and take them seriously. Many people do not act until serious problems arise.

What methods or techniques can help to integrate good self-care practices into everyday life?

There are a number of steps and methods that we can take to support and strengthen ourselves. Many of these may seem banal to you, but in reality too few people take this approach to themselves – even against their better judgment.

• First of all, it is important to reflect on yourself: Ask yourself what you need and recognize where you may need more care for yourself.
• Learn to look at yourself with kindness and compassion instead of self-judgment. Accept your strengths and weaknesses.
• Learn to say “no” when you feel overwhelmed or unable to meet your own needs. Set clear boundaries in your relationships and respect the boundaries of others.
• Integrate regular activities into your daily routine that are good for you and relax you. Make sure you eat a balanced diet, exercise enough and get enough sleep. A healthy lifestyle not only supports your physical well-being, but also your mental health.
• Consciously take time for things that bring you joy and relax you, be it reading, meeting friends or spending time in nature.

Here are some examples of proactive self-care: This form of self-care protects you from overburdening yourself and suffering from burnout. I present further methods – also for stress emergencies – in my new work “Who we are. The workbook”.