Tips for living well together

Sometimes it runs in the family, often it’s a coincidence: within a family, several members are mentally ill or have a disorder. “In families in which the parents are mentally ill, the likelihood that the children will also develop such a disorder is increased,” says Eva Möhler, head of the clinic for child and adolescent psychiatry, psychosomatics and psychotherapy at the Saarland University Hospital.

This may have genetic reasons. Or it has to do with the stress in the family: a child could develop an anxiety disorder if they are constantly worried about their depressed mother, says Möhler.

It is important that everyone gets professional help. In addition to doctors and therapists, it is above all parents who can positively encourage children. The mentally ill parent can also be there for their family. At least in phases when he is feeling better. This can be strengthening for all parties.

The more you know about the illnesses or impairments – and also about how to deal with them – the better everyone involved can live with them. What matters:

Accept the situation

First of all, it is important that the family accepts and understands the situation: mental illness is not a weakness. It is a medical condition and should be treated as such. “If you have a mental illness, you shouldn’t be ashamed to seek help,” says Heike Petereit-Zipfel from the Federal Association of Relatives of Mentally Ill People. “The earlier, the better you and your relatives can be helped.” Not only through diagnostics and therapy, but also through social-educational family support.

Petereit-Zipfel often experiences that those affected suffer from actual or assumed stigmatization of their illness. “To counteract this, relatives should find out more about the disease and, if necessary, reduce their own prejudices,” she advises. The more family members know about their family members’ specific illnesses, the better they can understand what’s going on with them.

Parents remain role models

And: If people have depression, Asperger’s, ADHD or a temporary psychological crisis, that doesn’t mean that those affected can’t be good parents (anymore). You can and should take responsibility as far as possible. The first and foremost thing is to take care of your own health.

For example: “ADHD is not a serious illness,” says Möhler. “With appropriate treatment, parents with ADHD can be just as good parents as anyone else.” One of their ADHD-related challenges includes controlling their impulses, especially when dealing with their children.

Basically it is like this: parents remain role models for their children. This also means that parents’ actions shape their children’s behavior. “If a mentally ill parent freaks out five times a day, sooner or later the child will copy this as legitimate behavior,” says Möhler. It’s better if they show you how to deal well with a psychological weakness. Heike Petereit-Zipfel recommends saying: “I’m very tense now. “I’m going to go for a walk around the block and then we can talk about it.”

take the burden off children

This is particularly important because children often blame themselves, at least subconsciously, for their parents’ mental illness, explains doctor Möhler. They think they did something wrong: if they were a better child, mom or dad wouldn’t be so sad or angry. But “no one is to blame for the other person’s illness,” she emphasizes. “It takes the pressure off the children when you tell them that.”

“Children may also think that it is their job to stay with mom and comfort her,” she adds. As a result, they completely set back their own development. Parents should prevent this. There are family-oriented offers that are specifically aimed at children of mentally ill parents and have a preventive effect.

Talk openly to each other

Repressing and overplaying don’t work – talking openly and honestly with each other is also advisable in families with several mentally ill people. Everyone should give each other the space and time to talk about their feelings, fears and needs.

It helps those who are sick if you approach them sensitively and understandingly and not associate every behavior with the illness, thus essentially reducing it to the illness or disorder. “Anyone who puts on illness glasses has a deficient view of humanity. It’s better to see a person with all their special characteristics and ask yourself how you can help them,” says Petereit-Zipfel.

She recommends regularly asking those affected how they are doing. You might notice small improvements. According to the expert, it also helps to talk more about the symptoms instead of constantly discussing the diagnosis. Parents and children should remain in relationship even during acute phases of illness.

“Routines provide security,” says Möhler. That’s why a structured daily routine is helpful for everyone. The healthy parent should ensure that the children continue to go to school, pursue their hobbies and meet friends. This also applies – as far as possible – to a mentally ill child.

And you can do even more: plan activities that are good for your mental health and promote self-efficacy and joy in life. Children should understand and learn: “It’s okay to enjoy life, even if dad can’t because he’s sick,” she explains.

Create balance

Petereit-Zipfel also says that it is completely normal for people who are not sick to sympathize with those affected. Nevertheless, they should continue to do things that they enjoy and that give them positive reinforcement, she recommends. This could be sport, cinema, friends or attending a self-help group. A balance is absolutely necessary in order not to suffer mentally or physically at some point.

For those with mental illnesses, it can be a relief when they see that their relatives are doing well and that they don’t base their lives solely on them.

RND/dpa